sick, doctor visit, and ramblings

Well I am still sick, but did manage to have a better nights sleep. I went to bed at 8pm right after Bug went down. I am lucky that I was able to stay up that late. I actually fell asleep on the couch for about 2 minutes after I got Bug into the tub and I got things picked up in the living room and his jammies ready to be put on. I didn’t mean to fall asleep but I was so tired. Bryan got him out of the shower and dressed in his jammies and took him down stairs for stories and bed. I climbed into bed before he was done with that. Felt so good to climb into bed.

I ended up coming out to the couch at 12:30am because I was coughing a lot. I did manage to fall sleep on and off the rest of the night. It is really hard to sleep propped up when you are use to sleeping flat. lol. But I survived. The most amazing thing happened today with Bug! He slept in tell 7am! Bryan went down to his room at 7am and he was still asleep. He helped him to wake up and was so happy to see Daddy. He is not like this with me when I have to wake him up. For that matter, he is not happy when ever he wakes up and I am the only one home. lol.

We took Bug to my friend Alyson’s home at 9am because I had a doctor’s appointment this morning. Bug was happy to see his friend Cole and seemed to do very well with us dropping him off. Then Bryan and I drove to the Hospital for my Doctor Appointment.
You are probably wondering why I was going to the Hospital. Well, much has been going on in the back ground here, and I have been waiting to post about it because I just was not sure it was the right time, or appropriate. But after today’s appointment I am ready to share.

I will have to back track a bit to get you all up to date. On December 24th I was a week late with my period. It was 32 days since my last one, and I have never gone that long before. After much denial, Bryan took Bug and me to the grocery store to buy some items for our Christmas Breakfast Burritos and made me pick up a pregnancy test. After procrastinating most of the morning I finally went into the bathroom to take the test. I locked the bathroom door, which was good because Bug was standing at it most of the 5 minutes calling “MOMMY!” over and over. It didn’t help to calm my nerves.

For those of you who don’t know…Bryan and I started trying to get pregnant back in April of 2001. In May of 2003 I finally got the courage up to be tested by an Infertility doctor here in town. Both Bryan and myself were tested. It was no fun. Blood work, exams, scans of my ovaries, and a special X-Ray of my uterus, as well as Bryan’s tests. After all the tests were done, the results were explained to us and the diagnosis was Male Factor Infertility, and our only option was Invertro.

We had already decided if the results only gave us the option of Invetro that we would look into adoption. So that is what we did. We filled out paper work through LDS Family Services, and began the waiting process. After a year I was at my wits end. A friend recommended Foster Care and after much debate and soul searching we looked into Foster Care and began the process of filling out paper work in October 2004, and got the call about Bug in March 2005! After finally being able to adopt him in November 2006 we got put back on the waiting list for another baby in June 2007. We got a call about a baby boy in August and began the heartache experience of losing a child. After that experience I decided that I could not do this anymore, and told Bryan that I refused to get placed with another Foster Child only to have them ripped from me. Bryan wanted more children, but I was not about to go through that hell again. I remember telling him in early October 2007, “The only way we will have any more kids is if we get pregnant, and we know that is never going to happen.” It is not that I didn’t want anymore kids, it just was that I didn’t want to go through the pain again. And I was kind of happy and had come to grips with my life, and was glad for Bug, and all the fun stuff he is doing.

So fast forward to me in the bathroom waiting for the test results from the pregnancy test. Hearing Bug grabbing at the door knob, and him saying “MOMMY” over and over. After two minutes the results said “POSITIVE!” I held my breath, afraid that if I breathed that I would wake up from a dream. I seriously thought the test would be negative and I would have to go to the doctor to find out I had cancer, and was dieing. I know…totally not logical, but that is what I thought had to be happening. But the test said positive. I came out of the bathroom and showed Bryan the test and then started to softly cry. I was happy but very sad at the same time. Hard to describe why I was sad. It is funny how you can become ok with you life and how things are and then something comes along and changes everything. So that is kind of what was going through my mind.

I went into my Doctor’s office the day after Christmas to confirm that I was pregnant, and they did. Urine and blood test. I then had to find a OB/GYN and called North West OB/GYN and got in to see my new doctor on February 11th. After a quick exam Dr. Hilton said that my uterus felt bigger than 6 weeks along, so he ordered an ultra sound.

I had the ultra sound done today. I have to be honest, I know that I am pregnant, feel nauseous allot, and hungry all the time but I really didn’t think it was really real, until today, when I saw the baby on the monitor. It was right there looking back at me. A baby! My baby! Bryan was surprised to see the baby. We could see the heart beating (182bpm) and its little arms and legs, and stomach too. I also got to see its brain. The baby was very active, moving its arms and legs over and over, like it was excited to see us. The technician took several measurements for the doctor and printed up some pictures for us including this 3D version of the baby.

The Tech said that Dr. Hilton’s nurse would be calling me back this evening and she did at 4:35pm. The scan looked great and that the baby looked good, but that they were moving my due date up from August 29th to August 23rd, because the baby looks further along.

So that is what has been going on here. I just could not keep it in any longer. I am sure other people might think I should have waited to tell everyone, but I just can’t keep it in anymore. I need something to be focused on right now in my life.

On top of all this, I have had a falling out with a dear friend and it has been hard to deal with my feelings in this situation. I wish that things had been different but alas they were not and I was turning into something that I didn’t like, and I was hurting emotionally all the time. I am glad that I met this person, very glad that we were friends, just wish that I didn’t have to cut off communication. It has been painful. I hope that they find what they are looking for, and find happiness too, everyone deserves this. And if I could go back to before becoming friends with this person and knowing how it would have turned out I still would have become friends with them. I have learned a lot about myself just by knowing them, and I am grateful for this.

So here is to hoping for a good nights sleep. Hoping. That is all I can do right now.