Friday, August 08, 2008

A lot on my mind....(VERY LONG POST)

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I have had a lot on my mind lately. Many of you know that we were placed with a Foster Baby Boy last year around this time, and it didn’t end pretty. * check out my archives for August 2007 and September 2007 if you want to know more about it, or you can click on Foster Care label and read the posts. * It was a very heart wrenching experience for me that I am realizing I have not completely healed from. I feel like I have been on an emotional loop…replaying the whole experience over and over the past few months, and getting more intense as his birthday comes closer. It is frightening when I can’t stop thinking about the little baby who now is a year old…and is no longer a baby.

I find myself wondering if I have walked passed him in a grocery store or at a playground. I never did meet the Great Aunt and Uncle who took him, so this makes me wonder if I have seen him and just didn’t know I had.

I also wonder if he is physically ok….and if he has any delays because of the drug exposure during utero….and how he is doing emotionally. My hearts wants to hope he is great, and there is nothing wrong with him, and that his Great Aunt and Uncle love him very much and are taking wonderful care of him, and he is thriving, and happy most of the time. And if he does have any problems they are handling them and getting him any help that he needs so that he can over come these challenges that he has been faced with.

I wonder if he sees his Birthmother, and if she realizes that she was way out of bounds doing drugs during her pregnancy. I wonder if she feels guilty, and sorry and has gotten her life together. Her son had no choice when he was not born yet and she chose to do drugs. (METH) I wonder if she realizes how serious it is to do those drugs and that she was not only effecting her life and body but this little life inside of her. He depended on her for everything. I still don’t think she deserves to raise him because of her choices but I do hope she has gotten her life together because everyone deserves to be happy and healthy. And even though I am still angry at her choices I do want her to succeed in life for the future. I have hope in the fact that people can make a change if they really want too. It doesn’t mean that she deserves to have this child in her care, because that choice has already been made, but any future choices she can make with a clear head should be good choices. There has got to be consequences for your actions.

I wonder why Heavenly Father wanted me to except Squeaker into my home and my care. I am freaked out because Lady Bug is due the same month that Squeaker was born and all the heartache I was going through last year at this time. I have had friends say it is to help me heal from my pain, and others have said Heavenly Father has a plan. I have had the thought cross my mind that Heavenly Father really wanted me to be a mother of two even when I didn’t want too. When Squeaker was taken I put my foot down and refused to do anything. I removed our name from the Foster to Adopt list, and closed our license. Bryan kept bringing up the issue that Bug needed a sibling, and I dragged my feet about doing anything to increase our family. I was stubborn, angry and annoyed.
I wanted to have control of my life so that I felt safe. So that is why I didn’t do anything.

I did finally go back and read the posts I did last year at this time about how I was feeling during that time. I have to admit I was fearful of reading them, because I thought I would cry and not stop. I was worried that reading them would make me feel angry again, and I would not truly let go of my feelings. Was not sure if it was healthy to read them. But I do feel good about reading them. I realized that I was very coherent with my thoughts and feelings I was going through. I thought I must have sounded like a crazy woman when I was typing my heartache last year. But I realize that I was able to express myself pretty clearly despite the fact that I was so angry, and hurt.

I am still not sure why I went through that experience. Not sure of the purpose. Still hurt when I think about the stupid things that caseworker did. It doesn’t help that I have a few friends who are dealing with ignorant case workers in their current situations they are going through; trying to care for these children in the foster care system and hopefully permanently raise the child placed with in their care.

My friend Renee’ and her husband were placed with a baby girl the middle of June only to have her taken from them a week later, and I have got to tell you, I cried, and cried, and cried when I got the call from my friend. I knew exactly how she was feeling. Hearing her tell me what happened brought all my memories back of last year. And I really had a hard time dealing with it. I knew I was sad for her, but I was also sad for me. The two feelings were blended so closely that it was hard to see where one feeling ended and the other began. I mourned for her and myself. Maybe I needed to morn, because I can’t remember crying so hard when Squeaker left. I was sad, and angry but I had to continue on, and I needed to protect myself. I remember it only took me about two days to disassemble the bedroom that Squeaker was in. I changed it into a computer room. I could not look at it as a baby’s bedroom. All the clothes were boxed up, and the crib was taken down, and the toys boxed up. The computer desk was set up and computer moved into the room as well as a bookshelf. It looked like a baby never slept in that room. So maybe I truly never really mourned the loss that I experienced.
I let anger and bitterness and fear swallow me up.

The fact that Lady Bug is due this month has opened my eye up to the fact that Heavenly Father is trying to help me through this time. This scripture keeps popping up on other peoples blogs and I feel that Heavenly Father has brought this scripture to my mind recently to help me understand why things in my life are the way they are.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” (KJV)

This scripture popped up in my life right before I met Bryan. I held onto this scripture with all my strength back then in my life. I tried to understand what it meant. I read other translations of this scripture. I use to think that it meant that Heavenly Father had plans for me that were just for me, to help me progress. He loved me and had good things for me. I still think this is what the scripture means to me. I am no scholar and I have never taken any theology classes. I believe that the Holy Spirit helps us to understand the scriptures we read, based on the issues that are going on in our lives at each moment in our lives.

Sorry for the rambling, but I just felt I needed to get these thoughts out of my head. I have been trying to deal with them on my own the past week and can’t seem to shake them on my own….so I thought I would give this a try.

Time heals all things. And I have faith that Heavenly Father is in control and knows what he is doing and is with me through each and every trial in my life. I will get all my answers to why I went through certain trials I my life when this life is over. I also know that I am not alone. Heavenly Father is with me through everything I go through. He uses the Holy Spirit, Scriptures, Friends and Family and sometimes even strangers to help me not feel alone.

6 jittering comments:

Renee' said...

I know how you feel. I have actually found myself thinking a lot about "L" lately. I think it's hard not knowing how they are doing. I have called her SW twice in the past couple of weeks and haven't heard anything. You do need to mourn over the loss of that baby. I cried so hard for the first 3 days, harder than I've ever cried! I went to the temple and found peace. I keep wondering why we had to go through losing "L". I don't know if I will ever know why, but I think that both of us will eventually come to understand it a little. If anything, we provided love, comfort and security for that little time that we had those precious babies. It doesn't matter how long you've had a baby, the loss still hurts the same way. I am here for you my friend! Hang in there. Be ready to welcome your Lady Bug very soon!
Love you!

Andrea said...

Very well said.
It's amazing how Heavenly Father knows best and everything does work out. We often don't see it until much later.
Sure hope sqeaker is doing well.
You're little bugs are so lucky to come to your family and have you as their mom.
Hope you continue to heal and have peace.

jennbecc said...

I hope this helped a little. I love you!

MaryRuth said...

My only thought is that one must experience the pain to experience the joy.

Maybe this child will mean that much more to you because of the trials that you have been through.

Most people haven't been through the infertility battle that you and I have... and I think that makes our pregnancies that much more exquisite... I know it does for me... I find such joy in this process. I've loved every second of it because I've worked so hard and wanted it so badly. And I don't know if I would have cherished it as much as I am had I not gone through the struggles that I have.

I don't know... all I know is that I have to hope and believe that we have a kind and gracious Heavenly Father... I don't know why we go through the trials that we do. Sometimes I hate those trials so much. But in the end I have to believe there's a purpose, otherwise what's the point?

I hope that one day your heart will be healed. Take peace in loving your son who is such a gift from our Heavenly Father and pretty soon being able to kiss on your new baby daughter.

love you!

Stephani said...

Brenda, I can only imagine how hard that would be to take in and love a child, to feel the joy of welcoming them into your family, only to have them taken back away... I can only relate to that experience in a different way, through the loss of a child through miscarriage... Though the pain in that situation was great as well, I never thought about what it would be like to have the pain renewed afresh even as time passed by because of the worry about that child's well-being...knowing they are still out there in this world but unable to hold them close...
I like what you said, that there are plans in place just for each of us, to help us progress, and I am so grateful for the knowledge we have from the gospel that our afflictions will be but a small moment, and that great blessings are in store for us as we endure them well... though sometimes I wonder what enduring them well means... I guess just accepting the Lord's plan for us, trusting that everything will be for our good right? and for the good of others...though I am not always good at that, I'd sometimes rather throw a tantrum and tell the Lord I don't want what's for my good if it has to hurt so much. But it is so amazing to realize the immense amount of strength we are blessed with as we do endure isn't it? And to realize that Heavenly Father truly does love each of us individually and really wants to help us heal and grow...
Sorry such a long comment, this just really got me pondering.

Jennie said...

you are so strong and i admire that strength!

thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings...

you are not alone...

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