Pregnancy verses Adoption

I have had lots of time lately to think about things during the night in my bed when I should be sleeping. I am sure most of you know why I am not sleeping and are tired of me saying that I am tired. Well, I am tired of being tired; so we are even.

Anyway, I got to thinking in those long drawn out minutes between getting up to use the bathroom once again and drifting off to sleep about the pros and cons of Pregnancy and Adoption.

I still can remember the day to day hell I went through with Bug *especially when he was only a few months old* wondering what was going on during the visitations with his birthmother and then later on when his birthfather popped into the picture. I would watch the clock and race to the DSHS office or the YMCA to pick him up as soon as I could. I despised the idea of them holding him because he would smell of cigarettes and he usually would cry a lot the rest of the day. I found out after the visits with his birthfather had stopped, that there were several occasions that his birthfather would fall asleep holding Bug or was clearly wasted or under the influence.

I can remember the day when I got a call from the YWCA to tell me not to bring Bug to any more visits because his birthmother had missed to many and they were being canceled. I was so relieved and happy. Mostly relieved. I picked up Bug (2 months old) and held him in my arms and cried. I remember whispering in his ears softly, "I will always be here. I want you. I love you always." And I rocked him back and forth as I held him close. I also remember the day I finally got the call from the case worker that the visits with his birthfather were finally canceled because of excessive cancellations during the winter of 2005. It was hard bundling up Bug to drive to the YWCA and find out when we got there that the visit was cancelled. After the 8th time I called the case worker to complain and he returned my call, to inform me that all future visits were cancelled. I was relieved, but sad too.

Even though I don't think that Bug's Birthparents could care for him properly, I still felt sorry for them. They both had made choices in their lives and because of their choices they were going to lose the opportunity to see this little guy grow up and become something great. But at the same time I was so happy that I was the one who would get to see him grow up. I was grateful to be his Mommy and care for him, teach him and help him be a good asset to society in the future.

I use to look at Bug when he was so tiny and drinking his bottle in the middle of the night. When he would fall right back to sleep I would just watch him. And before my eyes he would be growing up. Becoming a toddler, a per-schooler, an adolescent, a teenager, graduating from H.S. and then going off to college, and maybe serving a mission in his early 20's, finding the love of his life and getting married to her and having children of his own. I remember being so proud of him as I watched all these stages I would get to witness with him and being so humbled that I could be there too. I use to tear up just looking at him. Bryan thought I was nuts. And I probably still am, but I still look at him and see the wonderful man he is going to be someday. What ever he decides to do with his life. I see him being successful and happy.

And I might have said this previously in my blog but I am going to repeat it; I can honestly say that I would NOT change a thing I went through to get Bug. I would go through the sad, depressing days that seemed to have no end, when my co-workers and friends were getting pregnant. I would go through the tears that I shed and the heart ache that would seem to drag me down so low that I never thought I would be able to pull myself out. I would go through all the paper work to be licensed as a Foster Parent, and have all the home visits and inspections and feeling like I was under a microscope. I would go through the nasty letters from the birthparents after visitations. I would go through dealing with a very difficult case worker, all ways making me feel like I was over reacting about my concerns with the care that Bug was receiving during the visitations. I would go through all of it again. I am glad I did go through it, because I know deep down in my heart that I WANT Bug and that he is MINE!

That all being said, I am going through a totally different experience now with my second child. I get to be the one to bring my daughter into the world. I get to feel the growing pains of being pregnant. I get to experience my body changing, my hormones racing, and my fears of what is happening to me. I know that when I was going through the stuff with Bug that I journaled about my fears and frustrations and I cried and worried every single second of each day. And I am doing the same thing now with being pregnant. And I know I will be able to look back in a few years and have the same feelings of gratitude and happiness about how my daughter came to be apart of our family. I just wish that I could enjoy being pregnant, but I don't think I am one of those woman who would ever enjoy being pregnant. Maybe that is why I had to lose our second Foster to Adopt son last year to truly be ready to be pregnant and appreciate what is going on.

Pregnancy is hard, and I am exhausted most of the day and I am not doing much. I guess the fact that she is taking all my nutrients that I am eating to help her grow and then my body is trying to get use to the extra weight and the lose joints; I am bound to be sore and cranky hu?

Not sure which really is harder; Pregnancy or Foster to Adopt. Both have their pros and cons. But what is for sure; one is physical while the other is emotional. Both equal exhaustion.