Monday, December 08, 2008

Not enough...

Not enough hours in the day.
Not enough sleep at night.

It is that time of year when I get all gloomy. Why? Living in the northern hemisphere during the winter months means less sun light, which means I am more depressed, stressed, unhappy, you name it, I got it.
Put on top of it all a very needy almost 4 month old baby, and a almost 4 year old very active son, and it is a recipe for one very stressed out MOMMY. This Mommy needs a break. Yet when I get Bryan's help with the kids when he is home, I still can't seem to get my much needed break. Lady Bug seems to only want me right now, and even when she has me, she still is not happy. Doesn't help that she only takes 30 minute naps during the day. What is up with that??? I have tried everything I can think of to help her to sleep longer so that she is not so cranky by the end of the day, but nothing seems to work. It is as if she has this clock that goes off in her head and it is set for 30 minutes.

I am sorry this is such a downer post. I have been trying to stay positive, in the hopes that my feelings will change, and things will improve (or am I just avoiding the unavoidable???). Well, I am done acting like things are going great, because they are not. I am thankful for my life and where I am at right now in it, but I am tired! Physically tired. I wish that I could get more sleep. I wish that I didn't feel like I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Constant interruptions is my life. I can't get anything done (cleaning, showering, making dinner, reading, teaching Bug a lesson etc..) with out being interrupted by someone, and everyone. It is exhausting. I have so many things half done. And this makes me unhappy, looking around at all the things I need to get done. Wanting to get them done, but alas not being able to do them.

I keep telling myself that it will get better. This is just a season...and things will change.

Bug is no longer in the Montessori school as of the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I got the impression that the program was not working out with him from some comment that the teacher was telling me. He is so active, and likes to run around and this school didn't do this. It was a wonderful program, and I think Lady Bug might do well in it but only time will tell. But it is not for Bug. Not right now. The teacher at the Montessori school told me that I should check out the gifted school here in town. Since his reading level is at the First Grade level, and now he is doing MATH! I am not sure. We are still waiting for Occupational Therapy to start up again (hopefully in January) and I want to talk to his new therapist about whether they think it is wise to put him in this school. His social skill are so lacking.

And I am at a loss about potty training. I feel so frustrated about the whole thing. I don't know what I am doing, and I am exhausted trying to keep Bug focused on wanting to use the potty to leave his deposits, rather than his pull-up. I am embarrassed that he is not trained. I am tired of hearing "NO" from my little guy. I don't have time to sit with him while he is trying to go. Lady Bug screams for my attention during these times.

Sorry such a downer post. I just needed to get these thoughts (worries) off my mind.

Any advice anyone has will be greatly appreciated.

9 jittering comments:

Cindy said...

I know life seems so crazy and everyone wants your attention and you have no time for yourself. It's just this moment in life that is awful. keep the big picture in focus. Who cares if your house isn't clean, if Spencer isn't potty trained, and if Lady bug isn't taking longer naps. It would be so much more convient if Spencer was potty trained and Lady bug took longer naps, but kids develop all at different ages. Seriously, you are doing wonderful. Ask yourself who is expecting you to have dinner made, house cleaned, showered etc? If it's only you that's expecting you to do all these things then try not to be to hard on yourself. I have heard of many kids not being potty trained until closer to 4 years old and in all honesty neither one of my girls slept through the night until over a year old. Dinner can be as simply as PB&J and with cleaning try to split the chores up. One day do laundry, next day do toliets. I had a hard time myself adjusting to 2 children and I ended up getting on some anti-anxiety meds for about 6 months because I was feeling depressed and overwhelmed. We expect so much of ourselves as moms and women and we just assume everyone else has it together and we don't but we are all struggling just like you. Enjoy your children while they are young. The cleaning can be done whenever, but these kids aren't little for long. Just do what you can even if you are always getting interupted, but eventually things still get done. It just takes a little longer with children.

Mrs. Mordecai said...

Life is so hard with a little baby, and a demanding young child is difficult too. When Red Chief was a baby, I felt lost for many months until he finally got himself on a decent nap schedule. That didn't happen for far to long. Add sleep deprivation on top of that and you've got a recipe for tired mommy!

You're right to focus on the fact that this is just a season. Things will get easier. Meanwhile, just keep doing your best and don't forget to pray!

Andrea said...

Sorry you're feeling so stressed. It made me laugh though, because I've been there am still there.
The first 6 months are so hard. Hang in there. It does get better!!
My 3 yr old isn't potty trained. I'm lucky if I shower every other day. (gross i know.. but it's the way it is). And my house is a complete disaster.
So.. my advice is... Don't worry about a lot of the things. don't worry about potty training. Take a break from it. He'll get it eventually and when you have more time and more patient you can work on it if he still needs help. Don't stress over lessons. Do short ones or none for a bit. Leave the housework. Do a quick 20 minute clean at night and that's it.
Try to plan something fun each day. Whether it's for just you or with the kids. And it can be so simple- like turn on the music and dance for 2 minutes.
I've read some good sleeping books if you're interested in them.
Hang in there. You're a great mom.

Benita said...

Your friend Cindy is so right. I'm glad you can vent in your blog though, as keeping it all inside just makes you feel like you'll explode at times. All us Moms have been there, and there are days when my teenagers make me wish for those sleepless nights with all the cuddles and kisses that come with them! Every stage is a challenge in some way, but they are all so good of the good stuff too, if you look for it.
Your little ones are so blessed to have a loving mommie.

My little hint: When I had little ones, I made a deal with another mom. We traded some time. She came and watched my kids and we swapped the time, when I went there. I didnt always leave the house when she was there...sometimes i just went and did laundry in peace! But sometimes I went to the store alone (can you imagine?) LOL..or you could have a bath alone or any of those things you miss. Little bits of times that were worth so much to both of us, kept us sane and at the same time made us better Moms. I've heard of groups doing it with time coupons that you trade.

anymommy said...

Winter is so tough! You little girl is just beautiful. I bet Christmas with those two will lift your spirits quite a bit, if it isn't toooo horribly cold.

Stephani said...

Sorry you're feeling down, I too can relate. Some people think it's all in the head, but I know myself that the seasonal depression is very real, I get it every winter too and I hate that it can be so hard to battle some days, mostly for me it strikes in January though, after the holiday fun and stresses have come and gone. Like you, I just really need more light, it wakes up my mind and spirit and helps me feel up and motivated. I love this area for its own reasons, but I may try one day living somewhere a bit farther south, as I've heard it really can help those of us who are just programmed this way.
I am with you too on the personality of hating to have things half done, and with as many people as I also have demanding my attention constantly, I stress over the half-done's too. I know that the housework isn't as important as my kids, it's more that my brain functions around the knowledge of whether my life is orderly and organized. So when I feel those things nagging at me in the back of my mind, the reminders of things out of order, I'm just crankier, I can't help it. It really can be so hard to find the time in each day to get them all done and I have to remind myself to focus on one thing at a time, one moment at a time sometimes. And being sleep-deprived definitely only adds to it...
I hope you find ways to boost your spirits, and as you do I hope you'll share your ideas because I'm sure others like me could benefit too.
One thing that does help me a lot is to listen to music that lifts my spirit, or listen to talks off the church websites, there are so many with all the right words, I love to search for one word that I'm feeling and come up with several great talks to listen to. Anyway, sorry again you're feeling kind of burned out, I'm glad you don't mind sharing though, as it helps me feel more normal as I have similar feelings.

Sara Rose said...

Brenda!!! first off Dan is constantly telling me we live in forks! SO yeah for the Vampires, not so good for the rest of us!
About bug! I felt the same way with Dallin! He would be potty trained for five minutes and then nothing for the rest of the week! He was 3 1/2 when I thought he would be going on his mission in diapers! The trick that has worked for all three of my potty trained kids is being buck naked for a couple of days! ( Dan hated it!!) They end up hating the feeling and don't need to forget to take something down. After a few days I put them in big boy underwhere! ( I usually buy like three packs because I go through them so much in the first few months that it is worth it on my sanity!) and then before you know it... Potty trained!! It took dallin at least one month before he would go a whole day with out having an accident! But it does happen!!!
Also on the whole going from one to two... That was my hardest!! I looked in to getting something to help me! I couldn't actually take something because I was breast feeding emma. But I did feel better knowing that I recognized it was serious and Dan knew that too! It does get better! Being a mom is hard most days! But there are the moments that make you love your job !! Hold on to those! It's worth it! Someday you'll look back and tell them how hard it was when they were little! Because now they have little ones too!!
I love you! If you need a friend or a break let me know!!!

The Girls and Dad B. said...

I just wanted to tell you that you are a great friend and a great mom! Hang in there, it'll come to you, not that it will be easy, but you will figure out what works for you and your family. Smiles!!!! Miss ya! Call me if you need to vent or get outta the house! Much Love!!!

Christensen family said...

Brenda - Just a quick note to say... you have wonderful kids, they are absolutely darling and bug has such a fun personality! You are such an above and beyond mom. I do not know how you do all that you do! I have always admired that about you. I feel bad we have not really seen each other for awhile, but know I think about you often! Keep up the great work! You are amazing!!!!

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