Gone

Just wanted to post that Squeeker is no longer with us. He went to live with his Maternial Aunt and Uncle. The case worker was confused when he told me that the new Relatives that were popping up where the Step Uncle. It never was a Step Uncle, but the original Aunt and Uncle that I mentioned in the post here, here, and here.

Bryan stayed home from work today and was here when the case worker brought Squeeker home. He said that the Aunt and Uncle cleared. We told him to take him right then. It was the most difficult thing for me to say and I didn't want to say it, but I had too. The case worker kept saying that it was up to us when he would go to live with the Relatives, and finally Bryan said that if he didn't go today, then when, and the case worker said Friday. We said "NO", we can't keep him two more days knowing he was going. He needed to go right now. Then the case worker tried to make it happen tomorrow, because he didn't have a car seat for him, but we said "No". We can't keep him knowing he is going. It is done. The case worker said that he didn't want to just come in and say that

I am embarrased to say that I have already said my good-byes to Squeeker when the Aunt and Uncle popped into the picture a week into the placement. I have just been going through the motions of caring for him and have not allowed myself to get to close. Infact I have been rather, unloving when you look at how distant I have been with him. Once this Aunt and Uncle where mentioned I basicly "checked out".

Thank you to you all who read my blog. The ones I know, the ones who have left me comments and those who have just been looking and not commenting. It has helped to express my feelings during this process. I feel like I have been heard.

Please keep us in your prayers during this time. I guess it kind of feels like when a family finds out that their new born baby has cancer and is going to die....not totally the same, but they too have to care for their child and sit around and wait for the day they die...just like we have done with wondering when Squeeker was going to go.

We told the case worker that we would never do this again, and he tried to stop us and say that just because this situation happened not to close the door completely, and leave the door open for the future, but I am going to say...."We are NOT going to do Foster to Adopt again. EVER!" The only way we will have another child in our home is if they are legally free before they even step through our door into our home.

We are going to try to go to the Temple next week.